Kia ora everyone
Welcome to another dose of Māmā melodies!
Today I’m going to spend some time answering an epic question from a lovely Mama who asked about how she can hold space for and respect her child’s voice while also listening to and communicating her boundaries to them.
I love this!! This is so hard! AND we need to do it ALL the time if we are going to:
Stay sane!
Model to our children how to set boundaries respectfully with others
Get our needs met more often
Curb resentment for always meeting our kids needs, but not honouring enough of our own
Parent from a place of true willingness
If you are like me, your needs and boundaries were foreign concepts to you before becoming a parent, so communicating boundaries and checking in properly with yourself about your willingness is probably tough (Or is it just me?! Am I the only people pleaser in recovery?)
When I started learning more about Aware Parenting, I saw that it placed equal importance on the needs of the child AND the parent. This means we’re striving more often than not for both the parent and the child to get their needs met. Let’s pause for a reality check - it is not possible for us to always meet our children’s needs, or for our own needs to be met, because…life (don’t get me started on why it’s so impossible!). But, this technique can help us to give it a really good nudge most of the time!
A big part of the Aware Parenting philosophy is democratic discipline (not using rewards or punishments). This doesn’t mean no boundaries. Instead of using rewards and punishments, Aware Parenting uses loving limits and natural consequences.
The easiest way to explain it, is going to be with an example. Say our child is climbing onto our back and we’re not enjoying it. We can:
Check in with our willingness - take a moment to sense into our body, what do we need right now? Is it space? Does it hurt? Are we generally feeling overwhelmed?
Set our loving limit (boundary) and explain why - “Hey sweetie, I don’t like you climbing on my back at the moment because (it hurts/my body needs space right now/I’m feeling overwhelmed),”
Look to meet the underlying need (is their need for choice, connection, power, or to release some accumulated feelings) - “I’m happy for you to sit in my lap instead/I’d love to join in this game with you instead/I’d like to rest at the moment and have a cup of tea.”
Playful approach (optional and only if appropriate) - It might be that the first 3 steps produce a big reaction from our children (they begin crying, raging or tantruming, or insisting on continuing climbing on our back in which case we might choose to gently but firmly help them get down) in which case, we can empathetically listen to their feelings, while still holding our boundary. We might say something like, “You’re really upset because you want to climb on my back and I’ve said no. I hear you. I’m listening.” Then we wait. There’s nothing to fix. There’s nothing to do. Just listen and validate their feelings or experience (validation doesn’t mean agreeing), it just means reflecting back to them what’s going on for them. Or it might be that they seem ok with our boundaries and start to adjust what they’re doing and we can take a playful approach with them, “come here little monkey, while I swing you into my lap for some kisses and cuddles!”
It is ok for our children to be upset about our limits. That’s expected. Most of us don’t like hearing no either. And our children need limits to feel safe and secure.
This is just a snippet of this topic as it’s such a big one! Especially for Māmā! Does this resonate?
Send me an email reply if you’d like to hear more or pose your own question for another newsletter.
If you’re wanting specific support, I offer Parenting Support, travelling right back to your fertility, pregnancy, birth and postpartum journey. Check out more on my website here: https://www.honouringmama.com/parenting-support
I’ve also been busy recording some podcasts about Aware Parenting as well - this took a lot of courage! And about 6 months from the first time I got asked to actually say yes! It actually was a lot of fun in the end and so nourishing to connect with Joss and Vivian about this way of parenting:
Aware Parenting Stories with Joss Goulden - Episode 44: Trusting the Process with Kirsty Fernandes
Talking Aware Parenting with Vivian Viester - Episode 12: Talking Aware Parenting with Kirsty Fernandes
Finally, your Mama melody for the month! If boundaries and being in touch with your own needs is foreign to you too, this song should be a little remedy for your soul - Grow by Facesoul.
Aroha nui Māmā,
Kirsty
Comments