Kia ora lovely humans!
“Gosh, that was awful, everyone was looking at me and waiting for my reaction,” I said. My husband looked at me and said, “Gosh, that was awful, no one was looking at me at all, it was like I didn’t even exist.”
We had been in the same appointment at the hospital, with one obstetrician and 2 trainees. It was more eyes than either of us could manage, or wanted, but this was before we’d really stepped into our power, laid down boundaries and started taking charge of our experience in the medical system around one of my pregnancies.
Traumatic situations land in us all differently. As Gabor Maté says “trauma, from the Greek for “wound”, “is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you …””- Reference: The trauma doctor: Gabor Maté on happiness, hope and how to heal our deepest wounds, by Ellie Violet Bramley of the Guardian.
So immediately after this appointment we both subconsciously made the actions, reactions, and words of the others in the room mean something to us through the lens of our past conditioning and experiences. And, then we had the power to choose and change it.
Initially, I felt very uncomfortable being the centre of attention, and felt that everything was happening TO me. I felt completely out of control and at the whim of the medical system. I felt that perhaps these people - complete strangers until that appointment, knew my body and my baby better than I did. But instead, I used it as fuel to do the opposite - I used that feeling to tune into my intuition, connect with my baby further, advocate relentlessly for myself and step into my power around birth. I got BOLD.
My husband felt that the medical system completely disregarded and ignored his role as a Father, to a baby he already felt deeply connected to. It hurt. He used that feeling to start our not-for-profit Nourishing Fathers, which focussed on supporting men to redefine Fatherhood for themselves.
What we do after something happens to us is a chance for us to take our power back. It is an opportunity to step more into ourselves. And it’s hard and it can hurt, because it also means feeling everything.
It doesn’t have to be something big, it can be something small - something said or done in the birth space that wasn’t expected or was poorly managed (even if it didn’t lead to a poor outcome) as an example. And it’s never your fault. And it impacts everyone there - the Mama, the partner, the baby, the birth support people, the midwife, friends, family, medical practitioners. This is why, when I hold space for birth stories, I consider all of those that were there. And why some Mama will debrief with me and then send their partners to debrief too or want to discuss how this might be showing up for their babies. Because all of our experiences are unique, and the lens we apply to them is dependent on what’s happened to us in the past, what happened to us immediately after, and what we are making it all mean. And it all deserves to be held and heard.
If you’d like to share your birth story and step into your power, learn more here:
Or book here: https://www.honouringmama.com/book-online
Or if you’d like to explore how it’s showing up for your little one in their life, learn more about parenting support here: https://www.honouringmama.com/parenting-support
If you’d like to hear a podcast I did with Marion Rose Ph.D on birth trauma, you can listen to it here: The Aware Parenting Podcast: Episode 152: Helping Mothers heal from a traumatic birthing experience with Kirsty Fernandes
Send me your questions:
I love to receive your questions - please email me if you’d like me to answer a specific question next month.
Māmā melody for the month and a bonus!:
The Māmā melody for this month is Set me Free by Kelson, cos her voice is A.Mazing.
Thank you for being a part of my community. I appreciate you!
Sending you so much love and compassion,
Aroha nui,
Kirsty
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